to settle or not to settle

Blueberry Terry

"Sweet Strawberry Sherry, will you ever marry?"
Asked Blueberry Terry, but she shook her head.
"I find marriage scary, dear Blueberry Terry,
Ask Razberry Mary to marry instead."

"I'll not marry Terry," said Razberry Mary, "for Blueberry Terry
resides on the the prairie: I won't leave my dairy to follow him
west."
"Then you I can't marry," said Blueberry Terry- "I won't
leave the prairie to work for a dairy- dear Strawberry Sherry,
Please marry me now.

"No, Terry, like Mary, I do not like prairie
I live on a ferry and never would marry
A man so content to care for his cows."

"Very well Sherry,
Very well Mary.
I'll leave the prairie,
Will one of you marry
Me now?"

"I don't find you handsome," said Razberry Mary.

"I don't find you wealthy," said Strawberry Sherry.

"And since you're not handsome and do not have wealth,
We think that we'll soon marry somebody else."
So Blueberry Terry returned to the prairie and
Rarely saw Mary and Sherry, but then
Mary and Sherry at their ferry and dairy never
Were asked if they'd marry again.

At the dairy and ferry they grew old and thin.
They were nearly ninety when they hobbled in.
"Dear Blueberry Terry," said Strawberry Sherry, "I've
Changed my mind Terry, I'll marry you now."
"Yes Terry, dear Terry," said Razberry Mary, "I'll
Marry you Terry, I'll marry and how!"

"I don't find you pretty, I don't find you healthy
And since you are ugly and have no real wealth
I think I'll return to my cows and my prarie
And there I may marry somebody else."

"I don't know who I'll marry now,
I'm living alone surrounded by cows."

In a small cemetery they buried old Mary and
Poor lonely Sherry, whose tombstones there read:
"Here Strawberry Sherry and Razberry Mary
were buried, unmarried - both single and dead."
Old Blueberry Terry - their man from the prairie-
Felt so alone as his final years sped
He married his Guernsey far out in the prairie
Delighted he'd finally something to wed.

I found this in a an old book that I have of children's poems. It seemed fitting for what I've been thinking about lately.

I think this poem could be about a couple of things. Mainly the idea that the grass is always greener on the other side. Sherry and Mary were convinced that they would find someone more handsome, and more wealthy so they refused to marry Terry. They died alone, even though at 90 they were finally willing to setlle for Terry. But then Terry ended up marrying his cow. I'm not really sure what that says about him.

So to settle or not to settle? I read an essay from The Atlantic called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" (thanks to a link emailed to me from a friend) and I'm not sure what I think about the whole issue. I will say this much, I believe that the woman who wrote the essay (which has turned book) has a skewed perception of being single and deciding to settle. She chose to have a child via donor sperm and regardless of what people may say, a child definetely changes things in the dating world.

She advocates that it's ok to settle and that all women who reach 30 and are unmarried begine to feel uneasy. She also says:
"they, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn't about cosmic connection- it's about how having a teammate, even if he's not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all."

She also believes that settling is a woman's game.

As I said the question is to settle or not to settle? I know that I have a long list of "red flags" or rather the more trendy term "deal breakers", but at what point do I start to whittle away at that list? Is there a point where it's ok to settle for the engineer who wears black jeans and collect pez dispensers?

I would like to think that my notions of a storybook fantasy haven't completely vanished, but it's beginning to look a bit grim. Sherry and Mary weren't willing to settle for Terry until they were 90, do I wait that long? Or at 27 is it ok to settle?

I went to see "Up in the Air" the other day and there's a scene in the movie where the young girl has just been dumped by her boyfriend and she has a conversation with Clooney's character and his girlfriend about what she wants in a boyfriend. She begins to list off all the things she wants in a mate ending with "and a nice smile". The older woman then starts to describe what she wants which basically entails kind and a nice smile. The younger girl responds by saying "that's so...sad."

When does it go from being sad to being ok? Should I begin to whittle away at my list now because people have begun to give me all of those sympathetic looks and tell me that I just haven't met the right person and that it'll happen for me eventually. Or say (and this is my favorite) that it's ok that I haven't met soemone because some people are just meant to be single.

I don't have a good answer.

I will say this though, I don't think I'm ready to settle. Everytime I've "settled" (I say it with quotations because I don't consider going out with someone once or twice as completely settling) I've been severely dissapointed. I realize why it is that certain things are on my deal breaker list.

I'm going to hold onto the hope that there is someone out there who isn't an engineer, doesn't wear black jeans, and hates pez dispensers.

Ok maybe he doesn't have to hate them but at least doesn't collect them.